Supporting Clients Around Pornography Use: A Therapist's Perspective

As a sex therapist and relationship counsellor, I've noticed that conversations about pornography often come loaded with shame, judgement, and confusion. Whether it's a partner feeling betrayed by their loved one's porn use, or an individual grappling with their own relationship to sexual media, these discussions touch on deep-seated beliefs about sexuality, relationships, and intimacy.

Understanding the Complex Role of Porn

Pornography use isn't a simple black-and-white issue. For some clients, it's a tool for self-pleasure and sexual exploration. For others, it becomes a source of relationship conflict or personal distress. The key is understanding that people engage with pornography for various reasons:

- Self-pleasure and sexual exploration

- Distraction or stress relief

- Fantasy exploration

- Relationship enhancement

- Education (though this comes with important caveats)

When Does Porn Use Become Problematic?

While pornography itself isn't inherently harmful, certain patterns of use can indicate deeper issues:

- Using porn to avoid intimacy with partners

- Interference with daily responsibilities

- Negative impacts on mental wellbeing or relationships

- Compulsive use as a coping mechanism

- Difficulty becoming aroused without pornography

Common Client Concerns

In my therapy room, I often hear questions like:

- "Does my partner's porn use mean I'm not enough?"

- "Is watching porn a form of cheating?"

- "Should I try to be more like what I see in porn?"

- "Is it normal to watch porn while in a relationship?"

These concerns often reflect deeper anxieties about relationship security, body image, and sexual adequacy.

A Non-Pathologising Approach

As therapists, our role isn't to judge or shame clients for their relationship with pornography. Instead, we can:

1. Create space for open, honest discussions

2. Help clients explore their beliefs and values around sexual media

3. Support couples in navigating differences in views about porn

4. Encourage critical consumption of sexual content

5. Address underlying relationship dynamics when porn becomes a point of conflict

Moving Forward

Whether working with individuals or couples, the goal is to help clients develop a healthy, conscious relationship with sexual media that aligns with their values and supports their wellbeing.

Interested in expanding your clinical toolkit for working with porn-related concerns? Join my Working With Porn masterclass where we'll dive deeper into therapeutic approaches for supporting clients around pornography use.

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*Tanya Koens is a Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Counsellor at Pleasure Love Relating. She offers both client sessions and professional development for practitioners. Learn more about upcoming training opportunities here*