Understanding Consent: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
It's not unusual for me to encounter clients who are unsure about the role of consent in their relationships. Today, I want to dive deep into this crucial topic and explain why consent is not just important, but essential for building healthy, satisfying relationships.
What is Consent?
At its core, consent is a tool for communication. It helps people negotiate their wants, desires, needs, and boundaries. But it's more than just saying "yes" or "no" - consent is about creating a safe space where both partners feel respected and heard. Consent will determine what is ok; what is not ok and who is it for. Three very important questions.
Why is Consent Important?
Safety: Consent creates a foundation of safety in a relationship. When communication is clear, you don’t have to be up in your head worrying. It creates safety and helps you remain present. Which, in turn, increases pleasure exponentially.
Mutual Respect: Good sexual relationships are built on mutual respect and compromise. Consent gives people the tools to negotiate.
Communication: Consent opens up channels for honest, open communication about desires and boundaries. And those things create safety.
Consent in Long-term Relationships
Many people wonder if consent is necessary in long-term relationships. The answer is a resounding yes! Here's why:
Bodies are changing all the time. What was okay yesterday might not be okay today.
Ongoing enthusiastic consent ensures both partners are fully engaged and comfortable.
It takes into account physical and mental changes, and most importantly it creates SAFETY.
Remember, "Maybe" or "Hmm" is not enthusiastic consent. We're looking for a "Hell Yeah!"
Consent as an Inside Job
One of the most important aspects of consent that often gets overlooked is that it starts with yourself. Many of us don't know what we want, and it's not our partner's job to figure it out for us. Building self-esteem and self-awareness is crucial for effective consent. Taking time with ourselves to figure things out is taking responsibility for our pleasure and well being.
Boundaries and Consent
A boundary is where I end and you begin. It's the line between what's okay and what's not okay. Being able to say "no" and hear "no" is essential for maintaining healthy boundaries which, in turn, create safety.
It's important to note that cultural expectations, family dynamics, and societal pressures can all impact our ability to set and respect boundaries. For example, some families don't allow children to say no, which can impact their ability to set boundaries as adults.
Consent is not just about avoiding harm - it's about actively creating positive, pleasurable experiences for both partners. By practising ongoing, enthusiastic consent, we can build relationships based on mutual respect, open communication, and shared pleasure.
Remember, you are not responsible for your partner's sexual needs, and they are not responsible for yours. But by communicating openly and respectfully about our desires and boundaries, we can create relationships that are fulfilling for everyone involved.
If you're interested in learning more about consent and how to practise it in your relationships, consider joining my upcoming Working With Consent Masterclass or booking a session with one of our therapists.
